Phase 2.  (Still)*

K.  No colons and i'm back.  Hmmm that doesn't quite read right does it...  Firstly, i apologise for my leave of absence, but it seems as though i've underestimated the secretary and they've done an absolute brilliant job - so kudos to you K with the blue!

As you can see the brew has progressed along nicely and now no longer looks like a decomposing corpse (the barrels in the yard however...) and looks, well, rather drinkable.  I was rather gobsmacked to be honest and have just sampled a smell of the finished product and will (CARS!) describe the subtle yet powerful scent as quite simply a meaty alcohol.  Funnily enough this is how secretary describes their house...  think i'll leave my myriad of comments on that for another blog and another day.

Anyhoo, the crux of the matter is that there is only two (2) nights until the sweet nectar brought forth from the loins of the three schwein from George Orwell's 'Animal Farm' and Mr Potato-Head will be consumed and the prophecies will be fulfilled...

*apparently secretary didn't realise that phase 2 is actually a rather long phase.

Told you it looked like urine!

K: It really does, don't you think?  Very concentrated urine, but urine, nonetheless.  Regardless of it's appearance, I'm very proud of it.  

Just three more sleeps until we unveil it - so very, very exciting!

Straining

Phase Whatever (Day 15)

K: So, last night was phase one of the straining - my god, it stank!  Seriously, it smelled as bad as it looked.  The smell was rather reminiscent of the scent of our house the morning after a massive night....booze and unclean people.  I was rather concerned that I'd wasted the better half of two weeks with this whole thing, but am feeling much better about it all now...am now half way through the final straining, and it's looking alright!

I initially strained it through some Chux, which got rid of a heap of the crap floating around in the vodka but it still looked god-awful.  It was thrown into the freezer to separate over night, and was looking much better this morning.  Tonight we proceeded with the second part of straining, and I reckon I've come across the best way to strain it...am really happy with the way it's come out, and I don't think it'll need another going over...it looks very clean.  Alright...it looks it urine, but very clean urine.

The final straining operation involved popping some clean cotton fabric into a sieve and gradually pouring the vodka through it.  It's taking quite a long time for it all to filter through, but it's nearly finished now and I'm rapt!

The Steg and I have also had a tiny, tiny little taste and it's really...okay!  Also, have spent quite a large chunk of my working day thinking about it and have decided that 'Bloody Porky' is a better name for the first drink than BLTini.  I now declare you to be 'Bloody Porky'....grey K, hope that's okay?

D-Day

Phase...no idea!
K: This whole phase jumping thing has me really confused...I've no idea where we are or what we're doing, so I'll just post an update. We're currently at day 14, which is D-Day, or rather S-Day, SS-Day or BR-Day (Straining Day, Scum Skimming Day and Bacon Removing Day respectively) But more on that later.

We should explain, briefly, the photos below (one of them, at least), but in order to do that I'll need to jump ahead a little (now I'm jumping around like Tarantino...or Cypress Hill) and outline the delectable cocktail menu we will be offering our nearest and dearest in a few days time.

1. BLTini - which is basically a Bloody Mary, made with V8 and bacon vodka, though I'm flip-flopping on the name a bit. Am thinking that perhaps Bloody Porky might be better? 2. Bacon Vodka Martini - made with vermouth, bacon vodka, garnished with a cocktail onion and bacon or ham or if we're feeling fancy, prosciutto! Served (and this is the best bit) in a hickory smoked salt rimmed martini glass. 3. BLT Shots - this, if I'm to be honest, is an absolute stroke of genius and involves injecting bacon vodka into cherry tomatoes, wrapping them in a lettuce leaf and eating them. The BLT Shot explains the last photo - we thought it best to practice the vodka injection before the big unveiling, so we asked our technical assistant, Steg, to help.

Okay...now it's down to business. Time to strain the vodka!

[Day 9]

Phase One (9 Days): 

K: All seems to be going well, but am becoming concerned that it's beginning to look like we're harbouring a decomposing corpse in our kitchen.  Wonder what it'll taste like and whether we're going to poison our friends.  Am also wondering why I didn't check my hair before agreeing to pose for photos intended for the internet.  Also wondering why cricket is more captivating than the best experiment/mass poisoning we've ever taken part in.

K.  Whether we're going to poison our friends is a mute point i'm sure.  (Side note.  secretary needs a dictionary for the word mute).  As i'm certain they are just rapt that they don't appear to be going the way of the decomposing corpse/bacon infused vodka - 9 day styling.  Anyhoo, Mitchell Johnson was just stranded 4 runs short of his first test century: historic moment, even deserved a colon!  Hottest 100 countdown has started, shall we try infuse it into some vodka for Meredith secretary?

K: Yes, yes we shall.

K.  Splendid.  

The Mission Continues

Phase One: Infuse Vodka with Bacon

K: Cook half kilo of bacon until crispy, break into small pieces, throw into bottle, pour vodka over top, cap bottle, shake, shake, shake.  Leave vodka for three weeks, shaking every few days.  Try to ignore fat floating to top, thinking of how brilliant it will taste when finished.  Try also to ignore boyfriend and other K bickering like old married couple - consequences of following this train of thought not worth contemplating.

K: The first thing I want to say about this blog is that I do not condone the use of colons (thanks secretary).  Timmy Mallet Head X-Ray.  Fact.  Anyhoo, point of introduction - i'm K with grey and my secretary is the K with the light blue (bleu in French) and fascination with colons for some unknown reason.  

Let's get Tarantino styling and jump to phase three so you understand our ultimate goal.  Font change secretary, thank you.  

Phase 3.  Get our Mao-esque portraits hung in the Pink Flamingo along with Joaquin, Mr Potato-head, Old Major, Napoleon and Snowball's.

K.  I think phase 3 is rather self-explanatory.

K.  I agree and can't believe i preferred colons to full stops - what a feckin' eejit!

Anyhoo, now that you understand the ultimate goal we will show how we got there.  Remember Tarantino.  Plus i also want to say that i do love being a secretary...  what's that?  Coffee?  White with half?  No problems, i'll get my skates on and get it to you asssssssssssssssssap!

K: Anyway, I think it'll be pretty obvious to our astute readers that the real blue K didn't actually post the above....the use of non-capitalised 'I's' for example and the flagrant omission of colons (not to mention the use of the word 'anyhoo').

The mission begins